✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆˚｡ Julia ⋆˚｡⁺₊✧⋆⭒₊˚

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆˚｡ Music ⋆˚｡⁺₊✧⋆⭒₊˚

The Ending of Dramamine - Car Seat Headrest
And it's nice, it's not a complicated mess
And my back doesn't hurt
And your head doesn't tell you to kill yourself

Taxi Cab - Twenty One Pilots
"We're driving toward the morning sun
Where all your blood is washed away
And all you did will be undone"

Working for the Knife - Mitski
I cry at the start of every movie
I guess cause I wish I was making things too

Johnny On The Monorail - The Buggles
Oh my, my
You are so sci-fi

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆˚｡ Thoughts ⋆˚｡⁺₊✧⋆⭒₊˚

April 1st, 2025 - Tuesday 5:34 PM

Do I have a point? Is it being communicated?

Beginning and then abruptly realizing your short-term online journal on the internet was, in fact, on the internet and public for anyone to read and then basically ghosting it? Lame as heck. However, understandable given the circumstance. The truth is, idk what I'd share online. That's why I don't, really. The fact that people can post on their Instagrams and not give a second thought of even, 'how will this change how every single person seeing this will perceive me?' blows my mind. Even when posting my big little post recently, I could tell my boyfriend thought it was basic. And part of me is like so the flip what it's basic. But then the other parts of me wants to be the most online coolest girl imaginable. But guess what? The super unimaginable cool girl is, in fact, unimaginable because she spends 24/7 curating that perfect image. Like when I give myself immense suffering for not looking like the girls on Pinterest- guess what? They planned these pictures... FOR Pinterest!!!!! I am sitting on a couch scrolling on Pinterest. My intent was to never spend my entire life obsessing over what I looked like. And yet I kind of do, and then I kind of fail at it.

There is no point to this, is there? I am currently sitting in class. There are five people in this room, total, and, no, one of them is not a professor. Because, for some reason, she is not here today. So, organically, 80% of the class left within five minutes. Especially given that this class is 2 hours and 15 minutes. Now there are four. I should have spent this time reading for my later classes this week, but instead, I played Neopets. I am planning on not doing anything that is considered productive for the rest of my day. If I was lucky (or, perhaps, unlucky... I'm never sure anymore. US Capitalism, have you engrained this within me or is it in fact the upmost truth?), the rest of time.

January 15th, 2025 - Wednesday 9:47 PM

Yes, I knew that this was a public website. However, I had no idea that there was a community so strong of people on neocities.org and had NO idea that they pushed pages with recent changes. My bad... But I thought, eh. Oh, well. I might as well continue to treat this like the vulnerable journal I thought of it to be. I doubt anybody is reading this and maybe it will be interesting or enlightening to someone else who loves the internet.

I am so fucking sick. Literally. Monday I felt bad, but I still went bowling with a friend, went to class, etc. and was fine. Tuesday... um... was rougher. I didn't go to class but I thought that it would be the worst day. No. Omg, no. I am in the effing trenches. I feel hot and cold, have the WORST cough, have a high temperature, a crazy headache, blah blah blah. Crazy cold, right?? Well I just smelled a candle and it smelled like nothing. I went to class today and there is a high chance I have Covid. Especially after rush last week where I probably talked to 250+ girls. ON THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

I spent $70 on a dress for this weekend's rush and now I won't be able to wear it. I was so looking forward to feeling beautiful in that dress and I am really, really not expecting myself to recover in time. JUST EFF MY LIFE. And this brain fog is insane. I don't even know what I'm typing right now. And today in class it was like the most insanely confusing, mundane everything and none of it was registering as anything at all in my brain. Cognitive science models that my professor made with two decades of research?!?!!?!??!!? At the end of class he was like "I hope I didn't just confuse you all =P" and honestly just consider that hope lost professor i dont know your name genuinely. I am so scared for that class though because it's in python and I haven't taken a python course since freshman year. I have to code something I don't even understand by Friday. Hello... ChatGPT... How are you... my unethical friend...

Also, my emotions are insane. One second I'm so angry and the next I am sobbing with like uncontrollable sadness. And now I can't smell. Just eff my life. If I lose my sense of taste too idk what I'll do because I'm trying to like eat more and that will probs hinder that experience of like. idk. ENJOYING. But whatever. That can be a topic for another day. If you are reading this, I hope you are feeling healthy and loving it.

January 11th, 2025 - Saturday 11:37 PM

Is everyone fighting misery? Do we just never talk about it?

January 11th, 2025 - Saturday 10:23 PM

I still can't believe I'm a sorority girl sometimes. But here I am chanting until my voice breaks, clapping until my hands sting, and smiling until my face hurts. I can't believe I'm recruiting for a sorority where I'm sure 99% of the girls couldn't care if I lived or died. I am straight up lying to these girls because what the eff else do I say???? "What's one of your favorite things you and your sisters do together???" -> Girl if someone SMILES at me I'm beaming. But instead I say OMG late night food runs duh or omg our sleepovers!!!!!!!!!! The majority of these girls do not know my name.

Okay, actually, I do genuinely want to give myself some credit. I have been working HARD in this effing house trying to make friends. I am constantly talking to the people around me with literally any chance I get. And girls have started to talk to me out of the blue more often, or we'll share smiles more often, etc. A girl I have a huge friend crush on invited me to stand next to her friends next to the warm windows. I was like omg u know my name... I'm so in. (I'm delusional)

Isn't it crazy? I think I'd actually die if a girl actually asked me to hang out with me. Aren't I supposed to be like best friends with you guys? It was a little bit my fault. I was so miserable for the first semester of joining that I 1) didn't live in and 2) didn't go to anything. I was also literally pulling a D+ in a class, not brushing my teeth, and like the closest I've ever been to ending it, but yknow. Now I'm just trying to make up for it all. Speedrunning friendships.

I am friends with one girl though. But we're kinda just friendless together. However, I'm so eternally grateful for her. We got dinner the other night, which is so unlike me to do, and it was really fun.